September 2, 2012

I AM READY FOR THIS TO BE OVER

The  closer I get to surgery day the more scared that I get.  I am ready for the day to get here so that I can put it behind me…but I’m also scared.  I mean *REALLY* scared.  I am trying very hard to stay positive, but it is hard to do.  I feel like there is something wrong with me.  Well, besides the cancer!  For those of you who know me, I am a reader.  I have a need to have all of the information possible about a subject that has to do with me or my family.  So I have been reading nonstop about breast cancer.  I have read in several books about the emotions that I should be feeling right now and that is where I feel like there is something wrong with me.  My emotions seems to be shut off or something.  Just not working.   It isn’t like I have friends that I can ask about this.  How am I supposed to feel?  I mean, I feel scared.  I feel like I need to cry, but most of the time the tears won’t come out.  Sometimes it even feels like this is happening to someone else and I am just a bystander taking it all in.

I have already warned Nick that he may have to drag me in to the hospital on the day of surgery.  I know that I have to have the surgery.  I have no other choice.  But, as I said before, I am scared.  I know that I have a super support system.  Nick alone has been amazing through all of this.  He is being so strong for me that I am worried about him.  Please remember him through all of this also because I know it can’t be easy for him.

My mom made me two sets of adorable pillow cases for my small pillows that I will need to prop my arms on after surgery.  They are a soft flannel and one set has pink breast cancer ribbons on them and the other set has butterflies.  Mom is trying to think of things that she can do to help me after surgery and to make things easier on me.

My final note of the night is this:  Cancer is mean and stupid and ugly and stupid and dumb and stupid (Did I mention stupid??)

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