September 16, 2012

TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE

I find myself sitting up at 1:30 am…the only one still awake in the house.  Looking back on this past week is hard for me.  Physically it has been much harder than I ever expected.  The pain from a 6 hour surgery that has changed me in so many ways.  I don’t know if I can even describe it.  Physically I am a mess.  I have incisions, drainage tubes coming out of my body, bruising, no feeling on my chest at all.  I can feel the pressure of something touching me…the weight of it I guess you could say, but at the same time I can’t FEEL it.  The drainage tubes are extremely painful.  Emotionally….I miss sleeping with my husband at night since the only place that I can even remotely get comfortable is in the living room recliner.  I miss having Nick hold me at night.  I know that it is temporary, but that is how he comforts me when I need it, and right now, when I need it the most, it isn’t possible.  I can’t hug my kids because it hurts.  I am a hugger…a touchy person, especially with my family and that makes this harder on me emotionally.  I feel ugly.  I think about starting chemo and how that is going to affect me and then how will I look when I no longer have hair.  I know that this is all temporary, but for right now it is my every day life.

I am afraid.  I am afraid that the treatment may not work. I am afraid that the cancer may come back.

I’m worried about how this is affecting my children.  They are having a hard time with this also.  Both kids are expressing their fears/concerns in different ways.  Beckie is staying close to home, which for a teenage girl is a big deal.  She is more talkative than normal which is a good thing.  I catch her watching me with what looks like fear in her eyes when she doesn’t think I see her.

Domenic is very moody.  Nick’s cousin, Christine, has now been here with us for a little over a week.  Domenic is quite animated with her.  He is being his normal funny self…joking around, being goofy, and doing things that she asks him to do around the house right away.  With me though, he seems like he doesn’t know what to do or say when he is around me.  He is mouthy, and doesn’t want to listen to me.  It also feels like he is angry with me.

Nick, my husband, has been so wonderful through all of this so far.  I worry about what a toll this is taking on him.  Between taking care of me, trying to keep up with work, doing chores around the house that he has never had to do before because he hasn’t needed to (He typically gets treated like a King around here).  He isn’t sleeping well.  He is stressed about the medical bills.  He is stressed that he isn’t getting everything done around here that needs to be done.  He is stressed because he hates to see me cry because he says it makes him feel helpless.  Nick is a problem solver.  He thinks that he always has to fix things.  This he can’t fix.

While typing this, I started thinking about a Facebook that Nick’s cousin Angie posted today.  It was a reminder to be thankful for the little things in life.  I am now going to list some things I am thankful for.

1.The day after surgery when I looked my worse, my husband sat by my hospital bed, holding my hand, and with tears in his eyes told me that I was beautiful.  Even though I looked horrible, he just kept telling me how beautiful I was.  And he told me multiple times over the next few days that I was so strong to be able to do this.  He told me how proud he was of me.  He told me that he loves me more every day.  So I am thankful to be married to my best friend. I am thankful that my husband is a loving man who shows his love for me every day. For those of you who know Nick, you know that he has a “gruff” personality in general, but when it comes to me he is sweet and gentle.  He may not like me saying this!  haha

2.  I am thankful for being blessed with 2 beautiful children who I love  than anything..

3.  I am thankful for my wonderful caring family and friends….especially my momma and sisters

4.  I am thankful to have my spoiled rotten “Miss Ladybug”.

5.  I am thankful for the humming bird feeder that my friend Sharon bought me.  Nick has it set up right outside the front door and I have been able to sit in my recliner and watch the humming birds come and go.

6.  I am thankful that I they have caught my cancer early enough that I should be OK.

7.  I am thankful that we have health insurance.

8.  I am thankful for all of the love and support that has been shown to us.

9.  I am thankful for our chickens that give us fresh eggs  :)

10.  I am thankful for the good health of my husband, kids, and mom.

Just typing out the things that I have to be thankful for have reminded me to try to stay positive and keep fighting.  I have a lot of reasons to fight this ugly cancer.  I just have to keep reminding myself to keep placing it all in God;s hands and let him take care of everything.

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