October 2, 2012


As I have said before, I have been on brain over load lately.  I had so many TV shows saved on our DVR that I was planning to watch while I recovered from surgery.  BUT…well, I can’t even focus on  30 minutes of my favorite show “House Hunters”.  My focus has gone out the window.  Except for when it comes to my cancer.  I have researched every drug that has been prescribed to me, the chemo protocol that they have me scheduled to begin…and now I have moved on to researching radiation therapy and hormone therapy since I will have to go on that for at least 5 years.


Tamoxifen.  This is the hormone therapy drug that I will have to take for five years in order to block the estrogen in my body since the type of cancer that I have feeds off of the estrogen and progesterone in my body.  As I research this drug I find out that some of the risks of taking it include an increased risk of:


1) Uterine cancer (Thank goodness for the hysterectomy back in 2002!)


2) Stroke


3) Blood clot to the lungs


GREAT….If the cancer doesn’t kill me the drugs given to me to fight the cancer’s return may.  Nice to know.  ACK!!!!  I really should stop reading now.


I know that the benefits of me taking this drug greatly outweigh the possible risks involved.  It still doesn’t keep me from being scared.

I go back to Louisville on October 9th for genetic counseling.  They will be making a family tree for me documenting the types of cancer that has been in my family and then deciding which genetic tests I need to have.  This should be fun.  My grandfather had leukemia (I have to try and find out the exact type before this appointment…so any family members who are reading this and may know the answer, will you please let me know?).  My maternal grandmother had breast cancer twice..the first at age 39 and she has a single mastectomy.  A few years later she ended up with breast cancer in the other breast and went through another mastectomy.  She also had renal cell carcinoma of the kidney which is what contributed to her death.  My Dad passed away from colon cancer.  My niece, Nikki, had ALL (a type of Leukemia) when she was just a year and a half old.  My mom had a horrible case of skin cancer that caused multiple surgeries.  Oh..and my uncle had prostate cancer.  I think that may be all.  Like I said..any family members who are reading this and know about any other family members who had cancer, I need to know for this appointment on October 9th.  I seriously think that my head is spinning now.

So…It is nearing Wednesday, October 3rd.  This means that Thursday, October 4th is getting closer.  Thursday is the day of my first chemo treatment.  I am scared.  I won’t lie.  I am terrified.  They will be slowly dripping a poison into my body to kill any remaining cancer cells that could be floating around there.  This stuff will also kill good cells in the process.  The whole thought of it terrifies me.  I will do it.  I have never even thought about NOT doing it.  Anything that the doctors say I need to do in order to stay here on this earth for as long as possible to be with my family I will do.  This is more scary for me than knowing I was going to have to have the mastectomy.

As long as I have Nick by my side I can do anything.  He is my strength right now.  When he holds my hand and whispers words of encouragement to me I know that I can do anything.  I am drawing my strength from him.  He is my rock.

The holidays will be coming upon us quicker than I am ready this this year.  Normally by this time of the year I have all of my fall decorations out around the house.  The only fall decoration setting around right now is the pumpkin container that flowers came in.  The fresh flowers are gone, but the pumpkin is still there.  Other than that…nothing.   I just don’t have the energy.  I am afraid that my chemo treatments will interfere with holiday gatherings with my family. 

Even though I am not worrying about the fall decorations since from what I have heard from the family…I am the only one who even appreciates them!!  LOL  But I know they will want the Christmas tree up this year.

I have so many worry’s going through my mind right now.  I know I have to let them go.  Believe me..I know.  But it is hard for me to do.  I’m worried about how this is affecting my children.  My husband.  My mom and step-dad.  My sisters.  My mother and father-in-law.  Even poor little Ladybug knows that something is wrong and she is a dog!!!

I took a 4 (yes…FOUR) hour nap this afternoon.  And I am getting ready to go back to bed as soon as I finish this post.  The nap was nice because while asleep I couldn’t worry.

Tomorrow will be a busy day.  My mom will be here to pick up me and Beck at 9:30.  I have still not been cleared to drive yet.  Mom will drop Beckie off at work and then take me to the pharmacy to pick up Beckie’s prescription and I have a doctor’s appointment here in E-Town.  It is just a routine follow up for medication refills for my joint pain/arthritis.  I have to take him my new list of medications so that he is aware of all that is going on since this is all new since my last visit just 3 months ago!  Then my mom and I are meeting my sister, Monica, for lunch.  By that time I am sure that I will be wore out completely and ready to go home.  Domenic is going to his friend Jacob’s house in the morning to hang out with him and some other friends.  Jacob’s mom will pick Domenic up around 10am and bring him home later in the evening.  That is such a huge help!!!

Well..I guess I have added enough depressing stuff on here for one night.  I am not trying to make anyone sad…I just have to be able to get my feelings out and writing them out helps me a lot.


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