November 8, 2012

BRAVE??  STRONG??

I feel like a fraud.  So many people have told me over and over how brave I am since they have found out about my cancer diagnosis.  How strong I am…  And I don’t know how to respond to that.  I feel like they are giving me undue credit because I don’t feel brave and I don’t feel strong.  I feel…like a fraud.

Everything scares me now.  I worry about everything.  I try so hard to keep positive thoughts in my head, but some days it is an uphill battle.  I have to stop myself from thinking of some things because it scares me and then I start to get upset.  Every ache and pain now means so much more to me.  And Google is NOT my friend.  I have had to stop myself from using Google.  I have also had to stop reading my cancer books for now.  When I was first diagnosed I bought countless books on the subject and I read every one.  I checked books out from the library.  Now I feel like maybe I know to much and it makes me more nervous.  There is so much information out there about breast cancer, diagnosis, treatment, recurrence, you name it….and sometimes you have to step back and wonder if all of the information is accurate.  You have to be careful when you go in search of medical information on the ‘net.  Some stuff out there is enough to scare you!

Here is a a hint of what goes through my mind on a daily basis:

What if I have a bad side effect from my chemo treatment?

Will I have to have radiation therapy?  I will feel better once I know one way or another..although my Medical Oncologist feels pretty sure I will have to have it.

Will I have to deal with lymphedema?

What will my hair grow back in like? Will it be even more curly than before or straight?  What color? I know…a silly one!  But hey…I do wonder about it!

What are my genetic tests going to show?

What if I have a recurrence?

When will my life go back to normal?  Will I even remember what normal is by then?

What if…What if…What if…..  It is enough to drive a person crazy.

I also want to add that my husband is still my number 1 supporter!

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