January 5, 2013

THE NIGHT TIME IS NOT MY FRIEND

I am having a bit of anxiety.  Even though Dr. Riley has told me that my prognosis is good I am still having a problem with worrying about things..long term.  I worry about recurrence every day.  I worry about not being here for the important things like my children graduating from high school and college…being there for their weddings and when my grandchildren are born.  Not only those big occasions…but I worry about not being here for the little things.  The every day moments of their lives.  When you become a parent you assume that you will be here with them for a very long time and that you will be with them for years to come.  To hear that you have a diagnosis of cancer is terrifying.  It turns your life upside down.  There are all of the sudden so many unknowns and many fears.  The fear can be overwhelming.

So..even though I have had surgery to remove the cancerous tumors, am in the midst of five months of chemotherapy, and am scheduled to start 30 radiation treatments as soon as chemo is complete…I am still scared.  When night time comes around and it is time to go to bed I lay there wide awake and think about everything.  I think about all of the what if’s that I should not even be thinking about.  I toss and turn for hours before I eventually fall asleep.  I sometimes lay there and cry because I am afraid.  I am afraid that the cancer will come back and there will not be anything that the doctors can do to save me.  Then I start to worry about what that will do to Nick and the kids.  How will Nick handle it if something like that happens?  How will my kids handle that?

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